Rough Week

Well sure has been a rough couple weeks. I'm still concerned with my health but my attention was turned to my sister June in NC. She has been sick or months now, and bed ridden. So after about the I don't know what, number visit to the Dr. the decision was made for her to stay. She thought she only had pneumonia. She was not getting better and was always out of breath, Well her heart stopped for about 8 seconds, Holy buckets, that's an entire bull ride. 8 seconds and the buzzer goes off , you can get off the bull now. So her heart was started again, I did speak with the people there at the hospital they were going to do a procedure to put a pacemaker in. I thought this was a good thing, it would keep her heartbeat on and even scale, she would get stronger and continue to be able to get up and move about . So during all of this, my son's adhd, odd, ocd, all the letters were through the roof. He was not on any medication as the last one he was on put him to sleep all the time, sent a box of cedar out to Colorado, went to 2 Journey meetings for this summer.  Oh and it was spring break too. I'm like, dang  where's my break. So no meds, spring break, kid thru the roof, sister on the edge, the dogs and lastly me. I wish I had help, but you know I don't trust anyone. So here we are, school back in session. Kid on new meds, they're not working. SMH  You know, on the other hand..... life is pretty amazing. Things just get out of hand a little bit and I have to try not to handle everything , just handle what I can. So today my sister went home. I am happy for her to heal and hopefully she will come out here. Weather is up and down, that's to be expected for our area.I'd like to be out walking more but just not up to walking in the rain and getting chilled and soaked.  I planted some rose bushes, and you know I love me some roses. I planted all sorts of other beautiful flowers too I just hope they come up. I like pretty flowers, they smell so nice and it's just so calming. Well, til next time. 

Bitches of Late

Boy has this ever been a roller coaster ride. Life in my life is never easy, nor has it never been. I have serious doubts as to the normalcy of life anyhow.  The last few months have definitely been an eye opener on who you can and cannot trust. You think you have people in  your life who are your friends and have your best interest at heart but in reality they have their own agenda and you were just something to step on in their pathway to something else. Denial , hmm that is a big one too. I have always said that I do not want to be a statistic, I do not want to be a victim and refuse to , yet here I am again, letting it happen. It's almost as if I am living through the abuse I had endured my entire life. I try to put up a strong front, a bold portrayal of an image that I am a little bad ass but it doesn't seem to work for very long. Yes I am a strong woman, but there are times when those of us who seem to carry the weight upon our shoulders get weary and tired and at times can no longer shoulder the weight of the world, so to speak. Within the last year I thought I had made friends with some good people. Turns out they were everything I didn't want to be or want to be exposed to but true to my nature I endured and kept them as friends despite our differences in beliefs and actions. That is how I am, I am your friend until I can't be anymore, until it is harmful to my own life and sanity. I feel like I am all over the place instead of being focused like I am supposed to be. I do my best to keep my word, do what I say, be where I say I will be and just do everything I can to honor my commitments.  Recently the butchering of my character, who I am and what I believe in has been devastating. I treat others with respect, I honor them, honor my word and our relationships, and it really bothers me that others cannot do the same, that it is just a game to them.  So here is an incident, arrangements were made to travel to a certain location for an event, last word I got that we were all going. Mind you I am ill with bronchitis, but I said I would do this and intended to keep my word. So I go to the locations, they didn't show up, and being natives  I know that people run on ndn time, so my son and i went ahead and traveled. They never showed up, I was on the hook for 2 hotel rooms, anyhow I cancelled the rooms, luckily they gave me my $$ back. That was so gracious of them. I found out that those people sent me a message AFTER I had left saying they were not going. So of course I was at my wits end, the last straw and I exploded. They acted as it were no big deal, a "so what" attitude. Well apparently I was in the wrong for even going, mind you I was keeping my word. So they proceeded to trash the heck out of me, my kid and my entire being. I jumped back at them and of a sudden became the bad person. Never mind I was so disrespected.. I was the bad person. I am so damn tired of double standards. Then a person who I thought was a friend as well, did the very same thing only in such an evil way that those old trust issues of mine have reared their ugly head again. How can a person profess to be your friend, act so sincere and in all the while they are pumping you for infomation only to use it against you. What kind of person does this? Now I believe that i was blindsided by all of this. I should have been smarter and on the ball with it. People can be so very tricky, so manipulating and their actions so sincere and believable. I can't stop being who I am, I don't want to be entirely jaded... 

Mi Vida Loca

it's been a crazy time here lately. Doing my best to hold it all together. So I never was able to grow up knowing my mother, I'd had such a resentment against her all these years for various reasons, here things happen in my life. I come back to Georgia and finally have the relationship with her I'd always wanted. Now another thing happens, we find out she's got lung cancer. Did I come back and get her only to lose her? Life is cruel sometimes, but it's life. Trying my own therapy here writing about what's in my mind. I have started writing my book again. I want to put some of these adventures down before I forget them. Who knows maybe it will be a best seller on what not to do with your life. So yes I miss New Mexico with a passion, however I know my path has led me here for so many reasons. I have rekindled relationships with my dear mother, I have rekindled relationships with my siblings and it finally feels like I belong to someone. I've been able to reconnect with my tribe which is so very awesome. I do admit it has been quite a culture shock after living so long deep in ndn country. We have been able to get things here tho that we didn't before which is good. I got enrolled in school today, that feels really good. I do have to admit at times I'd love to be watching that sunset in the desert, sitting on the rocks in a quiet canyon praying to the holy ones and being a part of creator's magesty. I know we are lowly humans, we are pitiful and in the presence of the holy ones we are very small, but we are who and what we are. My mind rambles and it is in turmoil at the moment with thoughts all scattered not making sense but making sense.
 

ramblings

Figured I'd try this out to see how it works. Maybe I can get thru life a lil easier and better if I randomly post my intelligent or idiotic mind dumps. So stay tuned for boredom or entertainment however you choose.